This Life, I Sever All Ties With You

In this life, I personally sever all ties with Susan Lane. While she applies to a university in the capital, I make for a military academy and cut off all contact with her. When she follows me to the military academy, I sign up for a military engineering program. I proceed to hole myself up in a military facility deep within the mountains. Before I pass away, Susan begs tearfully for me to look her way one last time. I turn a deaf ear to her plea. After completing the handover for the military engineering program, I depart from this world. Meanwhile, Susan kneels before my grave. Looking as if she's aged overnight, she asks, "Alfred Grant, why did you stop loving me?" Chapter 1 My homeroom teacher, Zachary Allen, startled me out of my daze when he shouted, "Alfred Grant! Have you filled in your university application form yet? You're the only one who hasn't applied yet!" I looked down at the blank application form on my table, my fingers trembling against my will. Instead of the cold, mechanical hum of a cardiac monitor, cicadas were chirping outside the window. Sunlight streamed through the window pane onto the form, making my eyes burn from the glare. I'd been reborn. I was back in the year 1977, on the last day for submitting our university application forms. In my past life, it was in this very classroom that I decided to apply to Northall University's physics department instead of the National University of Defensive Technology as I originally intended. I did it to pursue my crush, Susan Lane, simply because she once mentioned wanting to see the snow at Null Lake. So, like an idiot, I treated her dreams as my own and her wishes as royal decrees. In the end, one outburst from her father, Henry Lane, completely invalidated all my efforts. His arrogant voice seemed to ring in my ears once more. "Alfred Grant, you're just some poor kid from the countryside! What gives you the right to pursue my daughter? Susan's going to further her studies abroad! Don't you dare get in the way of her future!" I had assumed that Susan would at least attempt to speak up for me, but instead, she remained unfazed and even nodded in agreement. "Dad's not wrong, you know? Besides, you were the one who voluntarily chose to apply for Northall. I didn't force you into it. I only mentioned Null Lake to you that one time. Who would've thought you'd actually follow me all the way to Northall because of that? Why don't you start over and aim for a university you actually want to study at?" I couldn't believe that this speech had come from Susan. No matter how wilful she used to be, she'd never said something this hurtful before. It was only later that I found out she and Wilson Shaw had already begun to develop feelings for each other through their daily interactions. Wilson was a talented young man whom Henry introduced to her. Above all, the two of them were a good match in terms of social and economic standing. Susan had initially been strongly opposed to him, but before long, she could hardly go a day without bringing him up. Years later, she forced herself to marry me, fearing that the situation would tarnish Wilson's reputation. Absurdly enough, I simply assumed that our years' worth of affection for each other had finally borne fruit. I felt ridiculous thinking back on it now. My deskmate, Charles Jackson, nudged me with his elbow. "Hey, Alfred! Stop spacing out! Susan's been waiting outside for ages," he said chidingly. I raised my head to look out the window. Susan, who was wearing a pale blue dress, was looking at me with her head tilted. Sunlight filtered through her long black hair, casting golden flecks across her shoulders. She looked just as she had in my memories of the days when she loved me most. If I were still the person I'd been in my past life, I would've dropped everything and rushed out to meet her the moment I saw her. But this time, I merely looked away calmly and neatly wrote some words in the first column of the application form. "Missile Engineering Department of the National University of Defensive Technology." "Oh shit! Didn't you say that you were going to apply to Northall University with Susan? Why have you suddenly pivoted to the National University of Defensive Technology?" Charles exclaimed, his eyes wide. I ignored him in favor of continuing to fill in the application form. My hands were astoundingly steady, and I wrote with considerable force, as if I was rewriting the very course of my life with every stroke. Susan's voice rang out from the doorway, carrying a hint of playful reproach. "Alfred Grant! I'm leaving you behind if you don't come out now!" The classroom was immediately filled with the sound of jeering. Everyone knew I'd been pursuing Susan for a long time and was finally on the verge of winning her over. Naturally, they were all eager to watch the drama unfold. I used to bask in moments like these, because I felt blessed to have it be common knowledge that the person I liked and I were an item. But now, I simply found it irritating. Without even bothering to look up, I replied, "Go on ahead. I still have something to handle." The jeers and catcalls immediately died out. Susan stood frozen in the doorway, her smile growing stiff. She walked in and asked in a barely audible voice, "What… What's up with you?" I finally looked up at her. At 18, Susan had eyes that sparkled like diamonds and dimples on either side of her smile. I capped my pen, shook my head, and replied, "It's nothing. I've just changed my mind about applying to Northall University." "What? We agreed to apply to Northall together!" she exclaimed. "You brought it up, but I never agreed," I stated plainly. Susan paled in an instant. She snatched up my application form. Upon seeing what was written on it, her fingers started trembling. "The National University of Defensive Technology… Have you gone mad? It's so far away, and it's a military academy!" she cried out. I took the application form back from her. "I know. It's precisely where I want to go." The classroom was eerily quiet. Everyone was staring at us, and even Mr. Allen had forgotten to press me to hand in my application form. Susan's eyes quickly reddened, tears welling up and glistening in them. She asked in a choked voice, "Why? Didn't we have an agreement?" I realized that, even though Wilson had already entered Susan's life, she was still in love with me at this point. Perhaps I was being unfair to her, but I no longer had the courage or strength to go through a process of trial and error in this second life. I didn't want to bet my dreams on an outcome that might not turn out satisfactory. I sighed and replied impassively, "Susan, you have your dreams, and I have mine. Northall University may suit you, but it doesn't suit me." "You're lying! You clearly promised me that you'd always stay by my side! You promised me that we'd see the snow at Null Lake together!" Susan yelled. I suddenly recalled that back when Susan and I were together in my past life, she once told me earnestly and joyfully that she'd always love me and only me. Yet, in the end, she'd still given her heart to someone else. If an offhand remark like that counted as a promise, then Susan honestly owed me far too many lifetimes' worth of broken promises. I gazed expressionlessly at her and said, "I said all that as a child, so it doesn't count. We should both be responsible for our own futures." Susan's tears finally started falling. As I walked out of the classroom, I heard her shout from behind me, "Alfred Grant! You'll regret this!" I didn't look back. Regret? Certainly, my past life was filled with regrets. I regretted giving up on the military academy for her sake, and I regretted transferring back to Northall from the military because she asked. In the end, all I could do was work a desk job while my comrades-in-arms went on to make names for themselves. Moreover, the person I loved steadfastly eventually took advantage of my critically ill condition to turn to someone else. Since the heavens had seen fit to give me a second chance at life, I definitely wasn't going to do something I would regret again. In the Student Affairs Department's office, Mr. Allen took my application form from me and pushed up his glasses. He asked, "Have you thought things through? The National University of Defensive Technology is no joke. Their courses are brutal." I nodded and replied, "I have. That's where I'm meant to go." Mr. Allen sighed. "What about you and Susan?" "It doesn't matter, nor will it." When I walked out of the office, Susan was surprisingly still waiting for me in the corridor. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but she stubbornly held her head high. "I'll ask you one last time. Are you really going to abandon me for a remote place like that?" Sunlight shone from behind her, bathing her in a golden glow. I abruptly recalled how she'd happily discussed the arrangements for her wedding to Wilson just before I died. I had late-stage lung cancer back then, so there had been all sorts of tubes feeding into and out of my body. She ignored my pained wheezes in favor of her anticipation for her future with someone else. "Alfred Grant! Say something!" Susan's yells dragged me back to reality. As I gazed at her youthful and attractive face, I was suddenly overcome with sadness. We were never meant to be together. In my past life, I fought to establish a place for myself in her world, only to end up losing everything. With my eyes still on her, I said quietly, "Susan, I'm not abandoning you. We just weren't meant to be in the first place. We were never dating anyway. If we distance ourselves from each other for some time, things will blow over quietly, and everyone will soon forget there was ever anything between us. "Let's leave things at that. From now on, don't approach me without reason anymore." Susan stood rooted to the spot, looking thunderstruck. I moved around her and strode toward the stairs. "Alfred… Mark my words! You'll come begging for my forgiveness!" she yelled after me. I ignored her. Sunlight shone down on the carbon copy of the application form in my hands, illuminating the words "National University of Defensive Technology". In this new life, I was finally making a decision for my own sake. Chapter 2 After submitting my application form, I packed my schoolbag and got ready to head home. Just as I reached the school gate, I heard clear laughter ring out from behind me. "Oh, come on! Stop messing around!" Susan's voice sounded sickeningly sweet and completely different from the coquettish tone she used with me. I glanced back to see her with Wilson, who was in the class next to ours. She was clinging to his arm and pressed right up against his side. Seeing me look toward them, Susan immediately tilted her chin up and smiled even wider on purpose. She even reached out to help Wilson straighten his collar. Despite all that, there were evidently still tears in her eyes. "Don't move. Your hair's a little messy. Let me help you fix it," she said softly, brushing her fingers lightly across the tips of his hair. Wilson was slightly stunned, clearly not expecting her to start acting so intimately all of a sudden. The tips of his ears had gone red. I looked away and turned to leave. Susan suddenly shouted after me with a hint of smugness, "Alfred Grant! Aren't you going to say something?" I stopped, looked back at her, and asked, "What do you want me to say?" She bit her lip, her gaze darting around shiftily. "You… How would I know?" "I have nothing to say," I said calmly. "Have fun, you two." With that, I left without a backward glance. Susan shouted after me, sounding angry and flustered, "Alfred Grant! You—" I pretended not to hear her. The next day, rumors that Susan and Wilson had gotten together started circulating at school. During a classroom break, Charles leaned in secretively toward me and asked, "Hey, Alfred, have you heard? Susan and Wilson…" I kept my head down, flipping through my physics question set without once looking up. "What does that have to do with me?" I asked. Charles' eyes widened. "No way. Do you really not care? Didn't you use to—" I interrupted him. "That was then. It's up to her who she wants to date now." Charles looked incredulous. He seemed to have more to say, but a commotion suddenly erupted from the classroom doorway. Susan and Wilson walked into the classroom side by side. She was wearing a new skirt that day, and she had taken the time to style her hair. She had also put on a light layer of lipstick. All in all, she looked dazzlingly beautiful. Wilson, on the other hand, looked like the cat that got the cream. He was carrying a bag of snacks, and now and then, he would lean down to say something that sent her into fits of giggles. Everyone first focused on them, then looked toward me in unison, as if waiting for my reaction. I continued working on my question set with my head down and didn't even bother looking up. Susan's smile stiffened for a moment. Then, she deliberately tugged Wilson over to my desk and asked coyly, "Wilson, shall we head to the county seat to watch a movie this weekend? I heard that a new romance film has been released—" Wilson, looking flattered, nodded vigorously. "Sure!" I kept my head down and continued to write out clear formulas on a piece of scratch paper. Susan gritted her teeth before abruptly reaching out to tug on my sleeve. "Alfred, would you like to join us?" I finally looked up at her and replied calmly, "No thanks. I want to study." Her expression fell slightly. It seemed like she hadn't expected me to be so indifferent. Seeing this, Wilson deliberately draped an arm around her shoulders and shot me a challenging look. "Alfred, why have you become so diligent lately? Did something set you off?" he asked. Quiet laughter immediately rang out through the classroom. I closed my exercise book, stood up, and glanced condescendingly at Wilson. "Wilson, if your test scores were even half as good as your gift of the gab, you wouldn't be at the bottom of your class every exam." His smile instantly froze on his face. I needed a quiet study environment, but these two were clearly out to cause me trouble. So, I simply decided to collect my things and walk straight out of the classroom. Susan cried out after me with a hint of panic, "Alfred Grant! Stop right there!" I didn't stop. She chased after me and grabbed my arm, her eyes teary. "What exactly is wrong with you? Are you angry? Is it because Wilson and I are always together lately—" I cut her off. "Susan, you don't have to feel me out or deliberately rile me up. I already told you that we're done. You can be with whoever you like. I don't care." She was stunned, and her fingers trembled faintly. "Y-You're lying! You clearly—" I suddenly laughed as I gazed at her. "Clearly what? Did you mean to say that I clearly used to follow you around like a dog and hung on to your every word? People change, Susan." Chapter 3 After the day Susan confronted me, we weirdly yet tacitly started giving each other the cold shoulder. However, she showed up before me far more frequently than before. I would see her while eating in the cafeteria or on the way home from school. I would even see her subtly peering around a corner on my way to pick up an exercise book from the teacher's office. Whenever she caught my gaze, she would pull back immediately. Yet, I couldn't be bothered to speculate on her motives. With the exams right around the corner, every second counted. Three days before the entrance exams, it was a bitingly cold winter night accompanied by a howling northern wind. I was bent over my desk, reviewing the last few questions I'd gotten wrong, when I suddenly heard a knock at my window. When I looked up, I saw Susan standing outside the window, her fingers tapping lightly on the glass. Her nose had turned red from the cold, and her shoulders were trembling faintly. She wasn't wearing a coat, only a thin sweater. I frowned but didn't move. She knocked again, her gaze fixed on me. I could see her mouth moving to form the words, "Come out." I sighed, closed my exercise book, and walked out of the house. I was greeted by a cold wind that made me instinctively pull up my collar. Susan stood beneath a streetlamp, its dim yellow glow illuminating her face as tears clung to her lashes. "What's up?" I asked. She bit her lip, then replied hoarsely, "Alfred, let's talk." "If this is about my university application, forget it." "It's not about that!" she shouted, abruptly raising her voice. She quickly lowered it again, as if she was afraid of alerting the people in the house, before clarifying, "It's about you… What on earth is up with you?" I gazed silently at her. She took a deep breath, seemingly building up courage, then continued, "It feels like you've become a completely different person over the last few months. You… You evidently weren't like this in the past." I asked indifferently, "Is that so? That just means I've changed." "But your change is too drastic!" She took a step forward, tearing up again. "There has to be a reason, right? Is it because I wouldn't let you apply to the National University of Defensive Technology? Do you really hate me that much for that? "Or is it because I did what Dad asked and helped Wilson with his studies? Am I spending too much time with him? Could it possibly be because I haven't agreed to officially date you even though you'd been pursuing my affections for so long?" The night wind swept between us, carrying withered leaves with it. It whipped Susan's hair into disarray, but her gaze remained stubbornly trained on me. It looked like she wouldn't accept anything less than an answer. I closed my eyes and finally revealed, "Susan, I had a dream." She asked in bewilderment, "A dream?" I replied, "Yes. A very, very long dream. In the dream, I gave up my chance at enrolling in a military academy for your sake and followed you to Northall University. I thought you and I would always be together and live happily ever after, but it wasn't long before you found someone new. "However, I was completely unaware and foolishly believed that our love was still mutual. I still obeyed your every word and continued to work toward the future you desired. I didn't care that your father looked down on my background. I simply wanted to do my best to give you the best. Yet, in the end…" "Later, when I was hospitalized with late-stage cancer, you would sit by my bedside and talk about your marriage to someone else." Susan slowly paled, reflexively tightening her grip on the hem of her sweater. She already knew very well who the "new lover" was, and Mr. Lane had definitely belittled me more than once at home. Moreover, based on the timeline, she had also already developed some feelings for Wilson. Still, she remained stubborn. "It's… It's just a dream, and dreams aren't real. It won't actually happen!" she argued. "Really? Susan Lane, can you swear it?" I asked. She fell silent. She didn't even dare swear an oath to me. I laughed bitterly and pulled my coat tighter around myself. "That dream felt so real—real enough that when I woke up, I found myself never wanting to make the same mistakes. "Susan, I understand that you're a very outstanding person, so I won't pester you anymore. You can follow your own heart and your father's advice. Interact with whoever you wish to." She continued to stare at me, tears finally rolling down her face. "So, you said all that… just to inform me that you're dead set on leaving me?" I said nothing. The cold wind howled, sweeping her tears away and onto the frozen ground. Susan began in a choked voice, "Alfred, if… if I told you that I won't treat you like I did in the dream, then would you—" I interrupted her. "I wouldn't. Susan, the dream simply opened my eyes to one thing—we were never meant to live in the same world." Her shoulders trembled violently, as if my words had struck her deeply. She suddenly became agitated, and she yelled in a tearful voice, "What gives you the right? Alfred Grant, you clearly liked me first! You were the one pursuing my affections! But now, how can you just decide that you don't want me anymore? What right do you have to do this, Alfred?" I gazed silently at her without retort. Seemingly angered by my silence, she grabbed my arm so hard that her fingers were practically digging into my flesh. "Look me in the eyes! Have you fallen for someone else? Is it Melinda Lewis? Or is it Mandy Churchfield? Tell me!" she demanded. I gently pried her fingers off my arm one by one before replying in a quiet but firm voice, "I'm not in love with anyone else. I just don't want to love you anymore." Her fingers froze in midair, and large, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Alfred… Would you still not want me anymore even if I told you that we can start dating now and that I would sort everything out with Dad?" she asked. I'd never seen such a meek side to Susan. I wavered momentarily at her puffy eyes, but I quickly stomped out the feeling. I let out a barely audible hum and replied, "Yes, I still wouldn't." She staggered one step backward as if my words had destroyed her, then turned and ran. The cold wind escorted her into the darkness of night while I remained where I was. I didn't move for a long time. It wasn't until my mother, Lily Ingram, called out to me from inside the house that I came back to my senses. I rubbed my frozen fingers and turned to head back inside the house. The study materials I'd spread out on the desk rustled in the wind. I sat down and continued working on the questions. This time, nobody would be able to sway me from my path.